When Nick and I were married, I was one of those few lucky women to snag a guy who didn't come into the relationship with "stuff." Nick, being one of 12 children in his family, didn't really have a lot of his own things like a bedroom set or collectible-type decor items. He literally just had his clothes and shoes and that was all. And I loved that.

Because he had no stuff, I didn't have to feel like the mean new wife, banning things from our home like a broken-in recliner, prized taxidermied animals, sports memorabilia, velvet paintings, or even a round bed, a la Carrisa's husband. There were no disco balls, no posters, no black lights. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

So far, nothing has been banned from our house, although once I did politely suggest he take the giant plastic cups he started accumulating from Royals games to work. Why of course it was only because they didn't fit correctly in our cupboards, being so tall and all. (It had nothing to do with the fact that they were ugly and their graphics were scratched off and fading. Nothing at all.)

This easy-go-lucky streak has now officially come to an end as I've had to add our very first item to the restricted list: grape-flavored Big League Chew.

While I like grapes, I've had an abhorrence to anything grape-flavored for my whole life. I can tolerate people around me indulging in grape-flavored drinks, popsicles, lollipops and jelly. I won't personally eat it, but it doesn't make me want to dry heave in quite the same way that grape-flavored Big League Chew does.

I've never been around grape Big League Chew until this past week when Nick and I decided we would go to a movie one night. We stopped by the convenience store to get snacks to hide in my giant purse (shhhhhh, don't tell). And yes, you guessed it, Nick picked out his first Big League Chew of our married life.

We got to the theater and as soon as the lights went down, whipped out our contraband candy. Nick ripped right into that package, and immediately the nasty grape scent wafted throughout a ten-row radius. It could have floored me right then and there but I somehow kept my composure. I think the worst part was that it seemed to get worse as it became more oxygenated throughout the chewing process. And don't even get me started on what it smelled like when he would blow a bubble with it.

I imagine that the other movie patrons either thought the two of us were on a first date that was going very badly, or that we were having quite the fight that night, as I was sitting as far away from the stench as my seat would allow.

I made it through the movie that night, but lucky me, that little packet of Big League Chew seems to be never-ending. It came home with us, and Nick has come really close to chewing it again, although each time he even looks in its general direction I give him the stink eye of death. For some reason, Nick actually thought I'd allow him to bring it with us the other day on our trip out of town to visit my family. A trip in which we'd spend two hours in a small, enclosed car. Ha, you gotta give it to him for trying.

Anyway, the remainder of his grape Big League Chew has become work gum, and work gum only, never to grace our home again. And I should now take this time to apologize in advance to all of his co-workers.


Anonymous Katie said...

At least the things you have "suggested" be kept at work are small, and they can go to another location. And it is also great that Nick takes your suggestions to heart.
I am dealing with boxes of old computer stuff, that we "need" to keep "just in case". I am thinking of sneaking some stuff out on garbage day, I bet my hubby will never notice.

Blogger alana said...

Sorry to do this to you, but I totally have to agree with Nick on this one. Grape-flavoured Big League Chew is awesome. As are grape popsicles (why do they make me buy the cherry and orange ones when I just want the grape??) and grape-flavoured pop, which they don't sell in England and was one of my favourite Canadian summertime finds as a child.

Oddly enough, I don't really like actual grapes. Hmm.

Blogger thethinker said...

Grape flavored anything is disgusting.

Candy, medicine, anything. Why can't they make it really taste like grapes?

Blogger Trish Ryan said...

That's funny! And you're right, that grape scent is vile.

Blogger velocibadgergirl said...

I love this entry.

MB didn't have much stuff when we moved in together, either, but I had to ban the leopard-print sheets. SO EMBARRASSING. In his defense, his mom bought them for him when he was in high school. He did not pick them out himself to advertise his pimp status. Thank God.

And I have made it abundantly clear that no one is to eat Laffy Taffy in any vehicle in which I am a passenger or driver. My sister was noshing on some green apple Laffy Taffy once while I was driving, and I nearly ralphed. Just say no to overscented candy, people!

Blogger Carrisa said...

I do love grape flavored things... especially grape Propel.

Although I'll side with you on this one because something tells me the gum isn't sugar free. And it's important to chew sugar free gum only.

And if you're looking for a round bed, you know how to reach me.

Blogger L Sass said...

EW, super sugary gum smells awful.

However, here-here to sneaking in outside snacks to the movie! I have been known to stash sandwiches or a tray of sushi in my purse.

Blogger heidikins said...

I seriously threw up a little in my mouth when you started talking about the artificial grape "flavor." That's not what real grapes taste like, or raisens even. And there is nothing naturally occuring in the world that is as purple as things that are flavored with artificial grape. I can't eat it, I can't smell it, and the thought will probably preclude my eating lunch today. Ugh... it's just so nasty. Shudder.

Blogger Abbie said...

ha! fellow movie contraband-er....a woman after my own heart.
You are one of the very few people I won't have to explain my big purses to.

I'll let my kid know about the gum, I'm sure he'd want to try it.

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