I'm fine, why do you ask?

I'm fine, why do you ask?

We went to Starbucks (surprise!) this morning on the way to work. Nothing was out of the ordinary about it really. Like usual, the awesome baristas had our orders memorized and our cups already started without us saying anything. And like usual, we chatted, we paid and we waited.

Feeling a little weak and tired without the necessary jolt of caffeine in my system, I decided I'd sit down and wait at a table until our drinks were ready. As I was sitting there, my butt started to feel a little tingly. I can't say that I minded too much. But after a while, I began to suspect things were rather awry. I stood up and felt my pants, and much to my dismay they were wet. I immediately suspected the chair, which had a lovely indentation specifically molded for one's butt-sitting pleasure. And inside this indentation was a small swimming pool full of "water."

I'm sure Nick could read the sheer look of horror on my face, so he went off to save the day by getting us a fistful of napkins. Oh sure, you can wipe up that chair all you like, but the damage had already been done. I looked like I wet myself and left a pool of it behind. Nick, being the brave, kind soul that he is, cleaned up the chair and then smelled the napkins, just to make sure it really was water and not something more questionable left by the chair's last tenant. He's a good, good man.

I immediately changed chairs because I wasn't about to just stand around looking like I peed myself. The nearest chair had a cushion made out of a suede-like material, which if you are wondering, is a bad choice when your pants are wet. But my options were to either go with the suede or risk being exposed to all of Starbucks.

Unfortunately, I couldn't park it on the suede all morning until my pants were dry. Before you knew it, we were off on our way to work. I had about a 30- to 45-minute drive ahead of me, so I hopefully assumed I'd be dry by the time I made it into the office.

The following are strategies that I employed this morning in my attempt to fit into this crazy world unnoticed while wearing wet pants:

1. Had Nick pick up my latte at bar.



2. Requested Nick walk behind me on way out to car.



3. Opened sunroof and cranked up AC to try to get as much airflow as possible throughout vehicle.



4. Attempted to sit as daintily as possible, so as to have fewest square inches of butt in contact with seat, and therefore exposing the rest to the joys of oxygen and evaporation.



5. Alternated sitting on left and right cheeks. See strategy 4.



6. After pulling into parking garage at work, parked in furthest away, most discreet location to enlist Feel Test. Was still wet to the touch.



7. Cranked up heat as high as it would go. Aimed blowers toward middle console and pretended to look for important paperwork in backseat.



8. Turned on all overhead lights. Used mirror from makeup compact to try to see butt. Too dark to make proper judgment.



9. Enlisted Feel Test once again. Seemed damp, but probably okay as long as no one stared.



10. Cursed that we just cleaned out car, and no sweaters or bags with long straps remained. Will have to travel to elevators exposed.



11. Once coast was clear, decided to make run for elevators. Stood with butt to the corner and exhaled sigh of relief to be riding alone.



12. Cringed after instantly stopping at next floor, especially when male passenger entered. Proper elevator etiquette means the suspect will insist I exit first.



13. Yanked shirt down as far as possible and exited first.



14. Walked briskly into nearest bathroom to use proper-sized, well-lit mirror. Decided no one could tell unless he or she grabbed my butt to feel the dampness, which doesn't often happen in the workplace.



15. Rode elevator to my floor with additional passengers, feeling much more like my normal, confident, dry-pantsed self. I even exited first and LIKED IT.